Healing Through Tears & Joy
I guess this post doesn’t really have much to do with Balanced Roots Retreats, but more about me and where I’m at. And since I am the woman behind the business, I think it’s fair that I share a little bit about me and what’s going on in my life.
As you might have seen in some of my recent Instagram posts, on May 8, 2020 at 12:05 a.m., I gave birth to my little girl, Sylvia Katherine. She was born sleeping at 18 weeks 1 day. I had a really difficult pregnancy starting around Week 7. There were many trips to the hospital, lots of extra doctors visits, many sleepless nights, countless hours and days of worrying, hysterically crying and pleading with God. I’ve been wondering why I’ve been given this cross to bear. Wondering why this has to be my story. Wondering why people who don’t even want to be parents can have babies, and why I had to lose my baby even though I wanted her to badly.
For the past few weeks since I gave birth to Sylvia, I’ve been taking some time to give myself grace. Taking time to try and heal, to process my grief, and to try to look for some things in the future that seem hopeful. I’ve also been looking for my little girl through pink skies, butterflies, little birds and bright rainbows. When you have a baby that lives in Heaven, it’s helpful to look for Earthly beauty that represents your loss.
Dealing with grief is a weird thing. Some days I feel totally fine, and then there are other days where I just feel down. Or, maybe I’ll be feeling ok, but then I’m triggered by something that makes me feel anxious, panicky, and ultimately so desperately sad.
I’ve been trying to identify when I’m feeling that anxiety and what triggers it. There are moments in time where I hear myself laughing, and I’m trying to allow myself to feel that joy. There are also moments that are happy, but because I had envisioned that moment happening while being pregnant, I’m immediately reminded of my loss, and then the grief wipes me off of my feet.
I’m not expecting to ever feel “healed” - I don’t think that’s a thing that happens when you’re grieving. No matter what day it is, or year it is - I will be reminded of my sweet girl in Heaven. I will remember how old she would be and what milestones we’d be celebrating in her life. I’ll wonder what she would look like and what her personality would be like. I think over time there will be days when I think about Sylvia less; when I don’t feel quite so sad when I remember that she isn’t here. But she’ll never be forgotten. Once of our amazing nurses at Maple Grove Hospital told us that every time a Mother gives birth to a baby, that baby’s blood cells stay with the Mother for life. I love knowing this; that my little girl will always be with me.
I’m sharing this with you, because ultimately I know somehow, this journey is going to be reflected within my business. I’m going to use this life experience and turn it into something where I can help other grieving mothers. I’m going to create a community of connection where we can share stories of our pain and loss, healing and grief.
I am Balanced Roots Retreats, and what I have created is a reflection of my life’s experiences. Ultimately I want women to feel connected, I want them to feel supported and not judged. I want them to feel the beauty of connection through the experiences that I create.
So that’s where I’m at. I’m back. I’m navigating through my grief. I’m trying to feel some joy. I’m allowing myself to feel hopeful for our future. I’m hoping for my rainbow while mourning my angel.
Thanks for sticking with me.